Yesterday we said our goodbyes to our beautiful girl Lucy.
And as I stare at where her bed was and hold her collar, I'm not ready for the world to send a hug and carry on without knowing more about this amazing, precious girl.
The girl with the insatiable appetite for life, and more importantly, ...food!
A big soft girl, with a big soft heart, who left this mortal world devouring chicken , with Joni Mitchell singing softly to her and Passover incense burning, before her final road trip.
It was all very zen, even when grabbing an end each of her bed while chunky chops was off her tits on cbd oil and tramadol putting her in the camper.
My beautiful friend Mandy spent the day with me , walking in and declaring she's the worst person for this as she's wiping tears and snot off her face and telling me not to expect her to be strong for me. Lucy wags her tail as she hears her voice, Mandy sees this and crumbles again . As she's stirring her salty tears into the tea, I smile. she's the most perfect person in the world, to hold me, to be my shock absorber for my violent, uncontrollable, painful sobs.
We drive to the shore in silence. We pull over and open the door. Lucy lifts her head and sniffs cool sea air. Our hearts are breaking. Adrian holds me, or we hold each other, people stare at our wet, red faces and blubbing noises we keep randomly making , all the while Lucy has her head up and is still staring at the sea.
Our time here is up and we close the door. As I drive away I can hear Mandy in the back saying to Lucy "you'll be alright dear" . I suddenly realise I forgot to breathe . We get to the vets, and as agreed our lovely vet is coming to the camper for his girl, but he will be a little while. Im glad of these few extra moments. Just then my phone rings, My son, who is working abroad is FaceTiming me. I hold the phone to Lucy and hold her head , it's your brother I tell her. My son is pulled over on a road with a beautiful sunset behind him wiping tears, and just when I thought my heart couldn't break any more, it just does.
The kid that at 27 still hasn't outgrown his teenage dislike for me, who asks 'what now?' when I ring, who, when I ask what he wants for Christmas replies "a new mum"
But as he's sat in his car, manly wiping his face as he's saying goodbye to his furry sister, my heart warms and he confirms what I've always known, that he's a beautiful, loving soul.
The camper door opens and all I see are two syringes, be strong and calm for your girl I tell myself .
Her head in my arms I kiss her telling her I love her and I'm sorry and I'll see her again. I thank her for being the most beautiful heartbeat in my life. I play 'Lucy in the sky with diamonds'
The stethoscope comes out and then the head nod which crushes my soul, the sound of my wailing sends Mandy running and I feel her hand on my back as my face is buried deep in beautiful soft brown fur.
"Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes"
I read somewhere once that even when our hearts stop beating we can dream for up to seven minutes, with flash backs to our lives. And I believe mumbo jumbo like this....
I hope you skipped the first four years my little bear, in your breeding hell hole, never seeing daylight or feeling a loving touch. I hope you jumped straight to the part where a paw and a hand touched through the cage of the rescue where we met.
You were heavily pregnant when the RSPCA raided and rescued you and over one hundred and forty other babies, surrounded by filth and dead animals in squalid dark wooden barns, cold and filthy.
You had your puppies and came home with me.
I hope you're dreaming of rolling in grass for the first time , and the way you used to like me to rock you like a baby. Smelling fresh air and your first walk on the beach, not sure why your feet were sinking. Your sister teaching you how to walk up the stairs and jump on the bed, I hope you remembered our camping trips, sat round the fire , looking at the stars, waiting for the sausages to cook. And when you couldn't fit your chubby body through the sty so we had to lift you over in fits of laughter, calling you our little Lucy lard arse.
You were a true pleasure my little girl, thank you for choosing me to be your mummy. It was nothing but an honour and a pleasure, every single day.
I will love you forever.
My little camper chic to the very end.